She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
