so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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