who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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