I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize