connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
