Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
