Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
ok first of all what the fuck
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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