i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
