just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
