You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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