I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So many bounce houses so little time
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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