He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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