Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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