I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
