Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
