The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
