its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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