everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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