Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
