Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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