1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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