Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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