I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
