im about as happy as oj after his trial
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I fill condoms, not promises.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
