He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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