We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You were trust falling into bushes
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
