The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
