Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
