He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
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Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
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If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that