found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
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I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
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Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!