I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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