cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
