Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
