Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
