i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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