Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
