Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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