You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize