everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
