why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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