Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
