i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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