I can feel you judging me through the phone.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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