threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
