dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
