I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
