You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
