I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
