I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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