im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
