And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I touched a dick in church today
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
