I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
