My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
