They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
