Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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